Okay, here are just a few funny stories from the 10 days that were Egypt.
Day 1. After arriving via the "Death Cabs for Carla" to the hotel, I met with Mom. We went to this guy named Ali's shop because he had every tour sorted out. Mom had made friends with him when she was waiting for me to arrive. We went and bought cartouches at his store. A cartouche is the Egyptian symbol of your name in hieroglyphics. He wanted us to buy pretty much everything in the store but we needed to get back to the hotel and we didn't want to buy everything the first day. Let me tell you that Ali had some weird disease where he had no body hair. And his eyebrows were tatooed on. He looked like Yule Brenner as Ramses in the 10 Commandments.
We go to the meeting and who greets us but Shady, our tour leader. He is about 6'5'' and very handsome. We sit down as the only people at the meeting so far and I looked out of the rooftop view. There was a river. I was tired. It was hot. Stupidly or rather, Carla-esquely, I asked if it was the Nile. Insert snort of indignation from Shady. Then, I ordered a Coke. Our waiter seemed to be missing a few screws and though we were virtually the only people in the entire restaurant, it took him about 20 minutes and 5 requests for the Coke for it to come. Shady already had one sitting on the table, unopened and gave it to me. There was a Coke. I was tired. It was hot. I opened the Coke with one hand not realizing the pop top lids are different. The Coke went flying all over his paperwork and me. Fantastic, already off to a great start.
After that, the night was quite uneventful. The next day we went to the Pyramids of Giza and the Sphinx.
I went into the tomb of the second Pyramid. Let me set the scene for you: It is about 100 degrees, there are tourists everywhere. Far off (or not so far off) a camel bellows. There are Egyptian men and children selling everything. You are accosted by the smell of some sort of feces. And then, you go into this tiny little shaft with hundreds of people in front and behind you. So, I'm walking down into the darkness and I don't know why but I expected it to be cooler under the ground. So. Wrong. As I walk, my head is dangerously close to a Spanish man's butt. I hope he hasn't had enough time in Egypt to eat anything disagreeable. And we walk. And walk. And we are stooped over at a 90 degree angle. The steps finally level out and you can virtually stand. Then the smell hits your nostrils. It is something between sweaty tourists, mummified organs and barley. Not exactly sure where the barley is coming from. Then, we have to walk uphill. The butt is getting closer to my face and I am terrified he will abruptly stop and I will have to apologize profusely. Finally, the passage opens into the main chamber. It is tall and dark. But still, 150 degrees. Scrawled on the wall is the name of the Italian who discovered countless relics in Egypt... Marco something B_____. Funny, huh?
We trek back up the shaft and I can say I was inside the Pyramids.
The next day we went to Saqqara and the step Pyramid. Nothing too exciting happened except for the two-toothed man on a donkey who wanted me to take his picture. He just kept saying, Hey! and laughing his horrible laugh. I was too horrified to take a picture, not to mention then I would have to pay him. I think I may have taken one off the hip shot and immortalized two-tooth for everyone to see. Lord knows I have his image branded in my head. Heh heh heh!!! Hey!
We were on a cruise ship on the Nile for 3 nights and somehow we got upgraded to a 5-star boat. It was great and took us out of the abject poverty for part of the day. We had a dress up party where everyone was supposed to wear traditional dresses. They are called galabrias and everyone sells them in their shops. So we all wear them, all the people in our group. Apparently, the rest of the tour boat didn't get the Memo because they showed up dressed normally. And they stared at us. Mom had gotten this beaded hat thing with tassles that hung down all around her head. She was having a blast as anyone who has ever gone to a wedding with my parents knows. Dancing all around and doing the crazy camel move from belly-dance class, she was a riot. Also there was Sandy dancing, doing a crazy version of the bop I guess. Sandy wanted some lessons in Bellydance and so Mom told her about a move where you put your arms up and paint the corners. After a while, Sandy asked Mom if she could paint the front, her arms were getting tired of painting the corners.
We all got a little too tipsy but had a blast doing it. Shady did a traditional bellydance for men and taught Mark the Pohm how to do it as well. It was crazy to think boys could move their hips like that. Look out, Shakira.
And meanwhile, during this whole escapade on the boat there was a character so lovable, so eccentric that we named her Miss Marple. She was elderly, alone and the cutest thing ever. Everytime she would see me, her face would light up and she had this funny little grin on her face. She was everywhere and nowhere at once. She always made appearances and we started looking for her around the boat. The best thing was, she always appeared! The night of the fancy dress party, Bingo was supposed to happen in the main room before dancing. Miss Marple was all set for Bingo but nobody else was. After an hour of waiting around they announced Bingo was cancelled. Her face looked as if she had just taken a drink of water from the Nile. And then she saw all of us and she was so confused the old dear.
We had 2 overnight train trips to and from Cairo. The first involved a screaming toddler (my favorite) and the second involved a snoring moose-man with a we-Pod. Both were memorable experiences which I think I will gladly no do again.
So after all of that, Mom and I ended up back in Cairo. We took an afternoon to go see Dave and Colleen Daughenbaugh, 2 expatriates living just outside of Cairo in Maadi. It was hellish getting there by taxi.
Mistake number 1, we took our cabs to the BAH-zar to try and get a nicer cab to go out there. Wrong. After we commissioned a cab that looked relatively nice on the outside, it was crap on the inside. My window was broken. It smelled and had no AC. The cab driver picks us up and then stops a few minutes down the road. In to the cab comes a large sack of potatoes, literally, and then 2 women resembling large sacks of potatoes. They start shouting with the cab driver and one of them is his mother. Egyptians always sound angry when they talk to eachother. They could just be saying, Hi, how is your day going? but it sounds like I hate you and you smell bad and I am sweating under my burqa! They continue this as we make a huge loop into the city. We eventually turn around a roundabout and go precisely past where we were picked up. Uugh! I am really getting pissed! Especially when suddenly the cab driver decides he has a problem with the phlegm built up for years in the back of his throat and decides to clear it out.
Spit. Yell. Honk. Hot. Stop the Car. Spit. Yell. Honk. Spit. Honk. Honk. Yell. Yell. Yell.
After we drop off the "ladies" as I will call them, we made it to Maadi and after several questions of direction, to Colleen's house. That was the most memorable cab drive of my life. Spit.
Not too much more, my patient readers. Just one last ditty about how I almost managed to get an Egyptian-Italian husband who lives in Addis Ababa? He sat next to me on the plane. He thought he knew me, yadda yadda. I told him I played soccer, and I think he fell in love right there. He asked if I had a husband or boyfriend. I lied and said I had a strapping Australian boyfriend meeting me in Rome. He still persisted and gave me his phone number in the off chance I will ever be in Addis. Little did he know, I am actually flying through Addis Ababa on my way to Kenya. Conveniently, that stayed out of the conversation.
When the customs officer in Cairo asked me if the man standing next to my was my husband, I replied no. He asked why not? After a brief pause, I said nobody could afford me.
I am worth too many camels.
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